There is a helplessness expressed by the parents that is so palpable.
इन्द्रियाणि पराण्याहुरिन्द्रियेभ्यः परं मनः।
Similarly, when you talk to educators or people in the community, they all voice the same concerns. In the past decade or so, the parents did show some control but over the years, there has been a struggle to cope. How did we arrive here?
Now let's visit a regular family with young children or a single child in most cases. The child, let's call him Raj is the center of their parent's affection. Both parents are highly protective of Raj and thus everyone else is excluded from ever disciplining the child because they have taken complete responsibility and shielded their ward. So, when the child is sent to school or classes any minor inconvenience becomes a squabble with the authorities. Every attempt to address behaviour or attitude is reviewed as denial or targeting. Eventually, every party involved lays down any claim as peace is preferred. Over a period, everyone begins to accept this behaviour of the parents too because the ward belongs to the parents and they have the best interests of the child in mind.
Now perceive this from the child's angle. Raj observes that he matters immensely to his parents, he follows his parents and anyone else who claims otherwise is not to be heard. His world has narrowed down to his parents and himself. So, when his teachers say something, the neighbors complain, and the elderly advise he might acknowledge it but he will look to his parents only for confirmation.
Fast forward by a few years, the parents observe that Raj is spending more time with his friends, he demands electronic gadgets and gets very upset with them when it is not offered. There is a lot of emotional drama when he is denied anything or asked to study. The parents find it very difficult to handle Raj because where he kept them at the centre of everything now they are completely sidelined. His desires and pleasures are all that matter to him. He has begun to care only about himself.
In fact, the article, 'The Teen Brain Tunes in Less to Mom's Voice, more to Unfamiliar Voices' published on April 28, 2022 - By Erin Digitale resonates with this behaviour “Just as an infant knows to tune into her mother’s voice, an adolescent knows to tune into novel voices,” said lead study author Daniel Abrams, PhD, clinical associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences. “As a teen, you don’t know you’re doing this. You’re just being you: You’ve got your friends and new companions and you want to spend time with them. Your mind is increasingly sensitive to and attracted to these unfamiliar voices.”
Perceive it from Raj's end. Raj now has friends, he has access to technology, he is consistently on his mobile and social network and confident that his behaviour and attitude are acceptable. His parents have endorsed it. As he grows, he is exploring more and perhaps driven more by hormonal changes. He now perceives his parents as friends rather than an authority and does not appreciate interference. He believes he knows what he has to do.
Today the parents are helpless, and isolated and look up to everyone for support but Raj has already realized that the support team is something he does not need to heed.
How do we help him reflect on himself when he feels he has done nothing wrong? How do we get him to trust an outsider's advice?
Here's my view on the issue.
1. Begin with Positive discipline: Positive Discipline is a program developed by Dr. Jane Nelsen. It is based on the work of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs and designed to teach young people to become responsible, respectful and resourceful members of their communities. Positive Discipline teaches important social and life skills in a manner that is deeply respectful and encouraging for both children and adults (including parents, teachers, childcare providers, youth workers, and others).
One way of instilling it is having your ward intern with NGOs, NPOs, and social welfare departments. The sensitivity inculcated through the case studies is phenomenal. Moreover, it will teach him rigour and resilience.
2. Modeling of behaviour - Modeling is one way in which behavior is learned. When a person observes the behavior of another and then imitates that behavior, he or she is modeling the behavior. This is sometimes known as observational learning or social learning.
To help Raj, parents need to show Raj that they respect the school policies, and the advice of the grandparents and well-wishers. Only when they start believing and expressing positive thoughts, will the child model it.
3. Bring in Holistic education - As parents, the focus is more on marks than behaviour and that is where we all go wrong. We have given intellectual quotient so much importance that the other quotients have been negated. My friend Swaroop Rawal talks of six quotients in her YouTube video on 'Holistic Education & the ‘whole’ child'. She stresses AQ and SQ also called the 'Dharmic quotient' to support value education. Every religion teaches harmony, respect for elders and compassion so read some good stories. As parents, we should emphasize school and community celebrating a student's proficiency and talent apart from academic achievement. This mindset shift is mandatory to create a generation of students who care for others, the environment, and themselves.
4. Seek professional support - Schools have counselors who can observe the child at school and collaborate with parents to offer the right counsel. Parents can also connect with psychologists outside the school premises if they need further support.
I believe in 'OUR STUDENTS' profusely and have faith in them.
As an educator, I have observed over the years that students today are much more intellectual, committed, and caring in the right environment. All they need is a nudge in the right direction from us working as a team, and a commitment to balance their time between gadgets, social media, and OTT and building all their 6 quotients as mentioned in the image.
इन्द्रियाणि पराण्याहुरिन्द्रियेभ्यः परं मनः।
मनसस्तु परा बुद्धिर्यो बुद्धेः परतस्तु सः॥ ३-४२
The senses are superior to the gross body, and superior to the senses is the mind.
Beyond the mind is the intellect, and even beyond the intellect is the soul.
Beyond the mind is the intellect, and even beyond the intellect is the soul.
THE SOUL REIGNS SUPREME
